..::Being Changing Seeing ::..

Saturday, March 30, 2002 :::

Why can't parents juss be like blogs? ...
i juss had a talk with my parents ... i felt like venting to them ... juss letting everything out ... if you know me well enough, you know that i'm going thourgh some major stress right now ... so when my parents asked ... no; inerogated me, to find out what was wrong ... i tried to tell them everything ... but after telling them only the first part, they start hitting me with advice ... and you know what i think about advice ... "*free* advice is worth only as much as you paid for it" ... they think they understand me, they think they know exactly what i'm gong through ... but they don't ... but still they try to give me advice ... and not even good advice at that ... they said: "It'll be okay" and in the words of Jeff: never tell a person that ... and after arguing with him, i agreed ... when some one comes to you with their problems (i mean big problems), they come to you because they want some one to talk to, some one to lean on, a shoulder to cry on ... and if you juss say "it'll be ok", you don't really care, because you don't know that it will be ok, you juss don't know, its impossible to predict the future like that ... instead, you should say "I'm here for you ... i'll be your shoulder to cry on, some one you can lean on" ...
but even then, you can't say that and mean it sincerely if you don't know exactly what's going on with the person ... you have to put yourself in their shoes, really try to empathize, and not juss sympathize ... understand their situation logically, and feel for them emotionally ... the best way to understand and feel for them is to 'mirror' them ... when they say something, you try to clarify everything by rephrasing what they juss said, only involving emotion ((mentioned on another entry, you have to listen not only with your ears, but with your eyes and your mind ... you have to notice their body language and tone of voice, because these things portray what the person is really thinking/feeling)) ... so after rephrasing, it's alot easier to empathize
that's what blogs do ... when you have a problem or feel like venting, you write it all out on your blog ((well, i do anyways)) ... and then you re-read to yourself what you juss wrote, you try to make some sense out of it, editing and adding new things for clarification ... and once your done, you have your genuine emotions up on text ... then by reflecting on what you juss wrote, its easier for you to come up with some sort of answer to help yourself ...
unfortunatley, my parents aren't like this ... they're not like blogs ... they're more like dolls ... all i have to do is pull their string and they'll say: "It'll be okay ... It'll be okay ... It'll be okay ..." over and over and over again ...
the problem with most people though, is that they don't empathize ... instead, they judge ("he's lucky, that's the only problems he's got"), they analyze ("hmm, i think you enjoy this stress"), they probe ("come here! tell me what's wrong"), or they advise ("It'll be okay") ... but this doesn't help ... by judging you become prejudice towards the person's situation ... by analyzing you make assumptions that lead to misunderstandings ... by probing you make the person uncomfortable ... by advising, you endager the person by making him do things that may not be the right thing to do ...
oh yea, i forgot to mention there's different ways of listening to some one ... ignoring (not really listening), pretend listening ("uh-huh" "really?" "wow") selective listening (you hear what you want to hear), and surface listening (not paying attention to the person's body language or tone of voice, and only what he's saying) ... all of these are very bad methods of listening ... and i find them very insulting ...
and i wanted to tell my parents all this ... but i can't ... because when i told them i didn't need their advice, they got offended and started attacking me for being a disrespectful son ... how did a conversation about me asking help for my problems turn into them attacking me? ... because they didn't listen properly, that's why ... i'll admit ... my parents are very wise, that's why i came to them, because i knew they could help me ... unfortunately, they can't really help me, if they don't know exactly what i'm going through, if they can't empathize ... so they start spitting out advice ... very bad advice like i said earlier ... so my attempt to seek help from my parents was a failure ... why? not because they weren't wise ... but because they don't have good communication skills ...
god i want to tell them this ... but i can't because they'd juss get offended ... so next time they try to give me advice ... i'll juss stand there and pretend to listen, that way they'll feel good for being good parents, thinking they've helped their son out, when in fact, their son is still suffering; a Loose/Win scenario ... or even better, i'll question them innocently, inquiring to how their advice would help me in particular situations - inevitably winding up in a trap, proving themselves wrong: a Win/Loose scenario ... or i could juss come up to them and burst everything out - but that would end up with hurt feelings and being grounded; a Loose/Loose scenario ... god what i'd give for a Win/Win scenario; they learn to listen and empathize properly, and they help me solve my problems ... unfortunately, that's not possible any time soon ... I don't have a strong enough relationship with my parents ... i'm working on it, i'm trying to understand them and be more polite and do my chores ... but it'll take a long, long time ...
anyways ... i sorta got off track ... what i was talking about was that i wish my parents were like blogs ...
"God is like a blog. You can bitch on it, cry, be happy, grateful, feel sorry ... but neither will give you any meaningful response"

::: posted by Rey at 3/30/2002

Tuesday, March 26, 2002 :::

I hate it when people say: "You may have you're opinions, but I don't have to listen to them,"
Begining With The End In Mind
I'm writing this down for a friend ... but it's just because I believe in this soo much that i had to write about it ...
Imagine this ((no i'm not trying to sound like a self-help seminar)) ... 3 years from now, you're all dressed up for a formal occasion ... you're walking to your car, you get in, you drive to a funeral home ... you enter the funeral home, and everyone you know there ... you walk to the coffin to see who's funeral it is ... and there, in that death filled box, lying stiffly, and looking pale ... is you ...
now turn around and answer these questions ... who is there? who in you're family and who in you're group of friends are there? what are they doing? are they crying? mourning over the loss and being glad that they knew you well? what are they saying about you?
at this point, you've probably already come to the conclusion that i am a fruit ... yes i know, this exercise has been overdone, and is very corny ... but for those who actually participated in the activity ... just think about it for a while ... how often do you think about something like that? ... when you die, do you want only less than a dozen people there? only half your family, and being annoyed because they were forced to go by your mom? only less than a handful of friends, not weeping but trying to get rid of the buzz from last night's rave? do any of them really care?
ok, i know that this may be going a little too much on the extreme, but still ... don't you want the exact opposite of that ... everyone you know, your whole family, all willingly going, all of your friends, bawling their eyes out for you? ... wouldn't you rather have that? ... does that reality really seem impossible? ...
most people say that they live their life day to day, not knowing where they'll be 3 years time ... they say life's more enjoyable like this ... i use to think that too ... but i've learnt that that philosophy is so very very wrong ... without having the vaguest clue to where you want to be in 3 years ... you're never going to get anywhere ...
most people think life is like a car ... you get in, start the engine, and you don't need to be going anywhere ... you just go where the road takes you ... but life is really more like an elevator ... when you get in, the elevator won't go anywhere until you press the button ... it could be any button, but it still needs to be pressed ...
the same people also say that they don't believe in fate because they don't like the idea that they're not control of their life ... but how does that work? ... first of all, you say don't believe in fate, so that means you want to be in control of your life ... yet you don't take control, you just go where the road takes you and hope you have the right equipment and gear to get through it all ... why not take initiative and create a goal? ... using the exercise i tried on you guys, think about what you want to be said in your eulugy ... what you want to be written in your obitchuary ... and as you're family and friends are talking about you, saying how they'll miss you ... what are they saying about you? what made you such a great guy? ...
and second of all ... they have gotten fate and destiny mixed up ... fate chooses your parents ... you choose your destiny; "Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice ... It is not something to be waited for, it is something to be achieved"
i try to help them, yet they refuse to listen ... don't juss won't believe me ... why not? the day-by-day life they've been leading hasn't gotten them anywhere ... but this way seems much more promising ... and i'm living proof ... though i will admit what works for one person, doesn't apply to another ... but this isn't a practice ... this isn't like something that can be applied for only one thing ... this is a philosophy, a law, a principle ... something that can be applied to everyone and everything ... "Begin with the end in mind"
yet when i try to give tell them this they refuse to listen to me ... why? ... because I may have my own opinions, but they don't have to listen to them," ... argh! ... this pisses me off soo much ... i only try to help ... what are friends for ... sometimes they even come to me for help ... but what do they do? ... they make it seem like i'm attacking them ... and they bring up counter-arguments to make me seem wrong, and stupid ((it wasn't even an arguement to begin with!!!)) ... god damn it! ... this is the last time i'm going to try to help these people ... obviously they don't see that i really care for them, love them like a friend ... yet they refuse to listen ... FUCK!!! ... either that, or they know i'm right ... deep, deep down, they know i'm right ... or at least there has to be some truth in what i say ... yet they're too afraid to admit it ... because they don't want to be wrong ... because being wrong would mean having to admit to weaknesses ... to give up on narcissism, to admit that they're not the center of the universe ... and especially that some one else is probably right ... or maybe ... just maybe ... they don't want help ... they just want attention ...
either way ... this is the last time i'm trying to help ... if they don't want my help ... screw em ... i have my own problems to attend to ...
No More Drama - Mary J. Blidge
So tired, tired of all this drama,
You go your way, I'll go mine
I need to be free
Broken heart again
Another lesson learned
Better know your friends
Or else you will get burned
Gotta count on me
Cause I can guarantee
That I'll be fine
No more pain (x4)
No drama
No more drama in my life
No one's gonna make me hurt again
Why'd I play the fool
Go through ups and downs
Knowing all the time
You wouldn't be around
Maybe I liked the stress
Cause I was young and restless
But that was long ago
I don't want to cry no more
No more pain (x3)
No more game
No more games messing with my mind
No drama
No more drama in my life
No ones gonna make me hurt again
No more tears (x2)
I'm tired of crying every night
No more fears (x2)
I really don't wanna cry
No drama
No more drama in my life
I don't ever want to hurt again
I wanna speak my mind
Wann speak my mind
Oooh it feels so good
When you let go of all the drama in your life
Now you're free from all the pain
Free from all the game
Free from all the stress
So try for happiness
*I don't know
Only god knows where the story ends, for me
But I know where the story begins
Its up to us to choose
Whether we win or loose
And I choose to win*
No more pain (x3)
No more game
I'm tired of you playing games with my mind
No drama
No more drama in my life
No more (x4) ...
No more tears (x2)
No more crying every night
No more fears
No more waking me up in the morning
With your disturbing phone calls
No drama
Leave me alone
Go ahead
No more in my life
No more pain
No more
No more game (x2)
I'm tired, so tired
No drama
No more (x2)
No more in my life
No more drama (x4)
-Repeat-

::: posted by Rey at 3/26/2002

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